Envy's Bedtime Stories
by enVii
Summary: Envy tells his adaptations of fairy tales to the others to lull them to sleep, but knowing Envy, that's not going to happen! So far: Lust in The Boy Who Cried Wolf, Envy Green and the Seven Sins, and The Little Mermaid starring Edward!
1. The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or anything else here, but I gave Wrath the nightlight for his birthday.

**Envy's Bedtime Stories**

"Tell us a story, Envy!" said Wrath.

Dante had a massive hangover so she had put Envy in charge of getting the rest of the homunculi to actually go to sleep rather than staying up 'til all hours making a racket, playing their bad music really loudly and fighting with each other forever claiming 'he/she started it.' So here they all were.

"Alright," he said – if he didn't shut them up soon, Dante would probably ground him. "so what do you want it to be about?"

"PUT US IN IT!" they all screamed.

"And I want to be the main character!" Lust insisted. A fight about who would be the main character followed, but Envy assured them they'd all get their turn. Of course, he didn't really mean that – how long could a night be? So Lust was first.

**'The Boy Who Cried Wolf'**

"Hey – I thought it was going to be about me?" Lust was about to cry.

"It's an adaptation, okay?" said Envy.

'Once upon a time there was princess named Lust. She had everything she ever wanted, and lived happily in a castle with her father. They were so rich because her father, the king, was very stingy, and charged incredibly high taxes. His name was King Bradley.

One day, Lust's evil uncle told King Bradley that he could see a shooting star if he stood on the roof of one of the peasants' houses. At first, the stingy king was not interested, but upon hearing that he would get a wish, he went straight away. Lust's evil uncle, Scar, was envious (heheh) of his brother and wanted to become king himself, so he pushed King Bradley off the roof. King Bradley caught hold of the edge though. "Brother, help me!" he cried.

"Long…live….the King Bradley!" said Scar, and knocked his brother off the edge. King Bradley fell into the angry mob of peasants below and they ate him since they were too poor to buy food with taxes being so high.

Anyway, Lust was sent to live in the countryside with another of her uncles, Uncle Roy. She no longer had the luxuries she was used to, and Uncle Roy told her only to ask for something if she really needed it. She had to watch the sheep and was very sad and bored.

Then one day, she tripped over a big rock and broke her shoes.

"Uncle Roy, I need new shoes," she told him.

So Roy took her shoe shopping, and told her she could have any pair she wanted. Roy was actually quite rich, but he was saving for a crossbow to kill Scar and become king himself, after which he would make all the girls in the royal court wear miniskirts. Still, if Lust needed new shoes, she could have them.

Lust chose a pair of pink ballet shoes, but it was a hard choice.

A few days later, Lust decided that she didn't like her pink ballet shoes anymore and that she wanted the purple pair. Lust realised that if she tripped and broke her shoes again, Uncle Roy would have to buy her a new pair. So she did.

It wasn't long before little Lust had gone through one hundred pairs of shoes, and Roy was getting further and further from his dream of buying the crossbow. He couldn't just let his niece go without shoes though, so there wasn't much he could do.

"Uncle Roy, I need new shoes," she told him, flipping through a shoe brochure.

"Lust, I want you to be really careful today, and try not to break your shoes," said Roy.

Lust agreed, but soon after buying her new shoes, she was sick of them, and broke them.

That day, Envy was walking past and noticed the mountain of broken shoes next to Roy's tall house. He understood that since he had just walked past last Tuesday and there were no shoes there then, Roy must be very rich to have been able to afford so many shoes so quickly. He also suspected that Roy must have had some bizarre personal habits…but the money thing was more important. Envy envied the fact that Roy had so much money to waste and he did not so he did the only logical thing there was to do. He made himself look like Roy and withdrew all the money Roy had in the bank before catching the next flight to Mexico where he would be hailed as Emperor with his legions of fans.

"Uncle Roy, I need new shoes," said Lust, but Roy had no money left. If Lust had not abused the fact that Roy would buy her new shoes if she said she needed them, Envy would not have known how rich Roy was, and would never have stolen all his money. Lust was 'The Girl who cried Shoes.'

From then on, all Lust could do was wear Envy socks.

This is the exact same reason why Wrath wears Envy socks. The moral of the story is to never ask Roy for new shoes unless you really really want to.

So that's why Wrath wears Envy socks and Roy went bankrupt.

The End.' Said Envy, exhausted.

"Why wasn't I in the moral? How did this turn into a story about Wrath?" demanded Lust.

"I don't know – I'm tired, aren't you all tired now?" Envy asked them.

"No," they all replied.

Envy sighed loudly.

"ME NEXT!" yelled Edward.

"Edward? How the hell did you get in here?" Envy asked. He then saw a mouse hole. "Oh, I get it," he said.

"WHO'S A SMALL BEAN WHO FIT THROUGH A MOUSE HOLE?" screamed Edward. "I used the door, you idiots."

Wrath started crying at the mention of 'the door'.

"It's gonna be a loooooong night," Envy mumbled.


	2. Envy Green and the Seven Sins

**Envy's Bedtime Stories**

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or anything else here, but I gave Wrath the nightlight for his birthday.

"I'll take care of this one, Envy," said Pride, "I'll show you not to make me some stingy guy…"

"What was that last part?" asked Envy.

"…nothing," said Pride.

"Oh, good then – go ahead!"

**'Envy Green and the Seven Sins**

Once upon a time there lived a prince named Envy Green. He had been named this due to his mother's envy of the other parents in the maternity ward whose babies looked normal. She abandoned him at an early age due to his specific taste in clothes and girly voice.

"What a loser!" said Envy, "but wasn't this story supposed to have been about one of us? OH LET ME GUESS! It's Greed, right?"

"Uh, yeah sure it is…" said Pride, his magical eyes shifting.

"HEY!" yelled Greed.

So anyway, his father remarried a while later. The new queen was an evil witch though, and she didn't even like flowers. HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE FLOWERS! But yeah, she was a crazy one, but her beauty was renowned across the world. Her most prized possession was an antique mirror. She would say to it, "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the prettiest of them all?" and of course, as it was a mirror, she saw her own reflection. "Damn I love this…"

One day, as prince Envy Green was playing baseball, a ball of some sort, possibly a baseball, flew through the open window and smashed the queen's beloved mirror. She wept for days and nights but then House was on and she forgot all about it. When it was over though, she remembered. So the king took her to IKEA to buy a new one. She chose the biggest one they had, unaware that it was actually cursed. Luckily, the salesman filled her in, explaining that the only way to get rid of the curse would be to buy the whole bed-package. This, however, was really all a scheme to get more sales though – the humanity!

When the queen took the mirror home, she asked it that same question. "Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the prettiest of them all?"

"I'm not on the wall, dumbass!" said the mirror.

"Oh right – sorry," said the queen, hanging the mirror on the wall. "Hey wait! You can talk? And more importantly, you were too light to have been an antique…"

"No one ever said I was an antique – sheesh! Do you have to be antique to be a cursed talking mirror these days? What has the world come to?" whined the cursed talking mirror.

"Will you just answer my question? Who is the prettiest of them all?" she demanded.

"How the hell would I know? You just expect me to know who is the prettiest of them all without even considering that the only people I've even seen were IKEA customers?" The mirror was getting somewhat grumpy.

"Gee, I suppose I never thought about that…I'm sorry talking mirror," said the queen.

"That's okay, because it just so happens that my curs-ed-ness DOES let me just know the answer. It's Envy Green."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"

* * *

The queen jumped at the unsuspecting Envy Green with a chainsaw but he managed to escape as the queen had come so far from the power outlet that the power plug for the chainsaw came out of the socket. He ran into the forest to hang out until the queen chilled out or got distracted by some sort of soap opera. 

It didn't take long for the squirrels to come out to hunt down their prey. Envy Green ran for his life. He had tried befriending the animals of the forest but although it was working, he got sick of it pretty quickly and gave up. He hid in a little cottage in the middle of the forest. He wasn't even that sleepy, but he wanted to creep out the owners when they got home so he took a nap.

* * *

"I'm scared Sloth! It looks like a human!" said Wrath. 

"It's not a human," said Sloth, "it's name is Envy Green – why would any normal person call their child Envy Green?"

"How did you know its name?" Wrath asked.

"…"

"Well?" asked Wrath.

"Look – a bunny!" said Sloth.

"That's not going to work, you know," said Wrath.

"I mean it!" said Sloth.

"Really?" asked Wrath.

"…no, that was just to distract you," Sloth told him.

"I knew it-" Just that second, Wrath was eaten by a giant bunny.

"Who's there?" asked Envy Green, finally awakening.

"We are the Seven Sins," said the Seven Sins.

Envy Green looked around. "Didn't one of you just get eaten by a bunny?"

"Oh yeah – I guess we're the Six Sins now," said Sloth.

"But I'M Envy! Umm, I mean Envy Green…" said Envy Green.

"Yeah, so?" said Sloth.

"So shouldn't there be only five of you then?" asked Envy Green.

"Just allow us to introduce ourselves," they said.

"Oh, what the heck it'd probably be easier if I just introduce us all," said Sloth, "so – I'm Sloth! I'm the mother-figure sin, and I like wearing suits! This is Gluttony – the walking stomach, this is Greed – the walking stoner, this is Pride – the walking…person."

"With a fast eye," Pride added.

"This is Lust – who's too cheap to get her nails filed, and last of all, the strongest emotion and most deadly sin – the sin of Roy!"

"Hello," said Roy.

* * *

"WHAT?" said Envy, "You're getting a two-part story?" 

"I sure am," said Pride.

"But this is ENVY'S bedtime stories and this is only the second one!" yelled Envy.

"Well maybe next time you'll know not to make me stingy!" said Pride.

"That's what this is about? THAT is what this whole thing is about?" asked Envy.

"Yes," said Pride.

"Oh, okay," said Envy, "I guess that makes sense."

"Yes, it does," said Pride.

"Well just…make it quick okay? 'Cos I know how slowly you update, Pride, and if I'm done first then I am like totally interrupting!" yelled Envy.

"Well we'll see then," said Pride.

"Yes we will – and I have BOTH eyes to see with," Envy sniggered.

"Envy, you know I can see with this eye," said Pride.

"Oh just you wait!" said Envy.


	3. Envy Green Part 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist (but I do have my own paperclip collection and that's close enough)

**Envy Green and the Seven Sins Part 2**

"There's an evil queen after me who wants my heart because I'm so pretty so can I hang out with you guys for a while?" asked Envy Green.

The ultimate sin, Roy, was confused. "I'm confused," he said (because he was), "I don't see the problem…do you already have a girlfriend or something?"

Lust scoffed and Envy Green glared at her.

"I meant she literally wants my heart – like, so I'll _DIE_!" he yelled.

Greed looked skyward, trying to do that dramtic pose with one eyebrow raised, deep in thought. "I believe," he said, "that there is only one solution: if we kill you first then she'll never get the chance!"

"You're so wise, Greed," chanted the others.

Envy Green however was not that impressed. "Um, how about you just let me stay here for a while?"

"An original idea – I'll give you that," said Greed, "but I can think of only one other way to tackle this…we shall thwart her evil plans by holding a giant tea-party and inviting everyone but her! That way she'll come anyway to make us pay for our insolence and that's when we'll all throw strategically-placed marshmallows at her until she tries to run away – unaware that we've already prepared a pit-fall trap! So she'll set it off and while she's stuck in the hole we'll throw down acorns so the squirrels will come for her and then while she's preoccupied we'll steal her baseball card collection once and for all!"

"I thought of that too," said Roy, "I just…forgot it…" he coughed.

"Ummm that really doesn't have anything to do with getting me out of this predicament…" said Envy Green.

"Darn – then I'm out of ideas," Greed admitted. "Unless we make an army of grasshoppers who will use their powers of origami to control the WORLD…for us."

Envy Green sweatdropped. "Or, you could always just let me stay here for a while?"

"That works too!" said Greed.

"You're so wise, Greed," the others chanted.

Greed smiled, "I do what I can."

So it was decided that Envy Green could stay if he helped them with the housework while they attended to their tow-truck service.

'We tow, we tow, we…go out…and tow!' and so forth went their TV ad jingle.

Being a prince and all, Envy Green wasn't all that keen on doing housework, but he really liked the whole apron outfit. Unbeknownst to him however, the evil queen (Winry, as some called her) had tracked him down. The fact that he had made a guest appearance in the Six Sins' ad, which gave their address, really hadn't helped.

Envy Green liked to sing as he worked. It was also the only thing he could do to keep the woodland creatures away. "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie wor—ld, life in plastic – it's fantastic! You can brush my hair, und-"

KNOCK KNOCK!

'_Hmmmm_,' he thought to himself, '_what did they tell me to do if someone was at the door?_'

**-Flashback-**

Sloth: "This is where we keep the microwave!"

**-end Flashback-**

"No that wasn't it!" said Envy Green.

**-another Flashback-**

Roy: Your hair is pretty, but not as pretty as mine…

**-end another Flashback-**

"No! That wasn't it either!" said Envy Green.

**-third Flashback-**

Lust: Don't forget – make sure you don't answer the door for anyone but us!

**-end third stupid Flashback-**

"Damn!" said Envy Green, "That wasn't it either! Well, my gut feeling is telling me not to open it for anyone but them…so…who's there?" he called out.

"Uh…ummmm," said the evil queen.

"Is it the Six Sins?" asked Envy Green.

"Ah – YES! That's it!"

"OK – I'll let you in."

"Foolish boy…" she said to herself.

"What?" asked Envy Green.

"NOTHING!"

So he opened the door. "Hey! You're not the Six Sins!"

The evil queen looked around nervously. "Oh – did I say I was? Sorry – I meant I was the Apple Lady!"

Envy Green looked at her suspiciously. "You sure look like the evil queen…" he said.

"Oh right – excuse me a moment," she said, turning around and quickly sticking on a fake moustache.

"I guess I was wrong," said Envy Green upon spotting the moustache. "Well what do you want, Apple Lady?"

"To give you a poisoned apple! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Envy Green blinked in confusion. "Why would I want a poisoned apple?" he asked.

"Did I say poisoned apple?"

"Yup – and then you did the evil manic laugh."

"Well what I meant to say was 'unpoisoned apple'…without the laugh."

"Oh, OK then – thanks!" he said, taking the apple she had offered. He took a bite and died.

"Yippee!" laughed the evil queen, who started to skip happily home. Then she ran into the Six Sins, returning from a hard day's towing.

"We towed, we towed, yes all that towing blowed – LOOK! It's the evil queen! You weren't just killing Envy Green were you?" They asked suspiciously, getting ready to beat her up.

"Ummm, no?" she said.

"OK then have a nice day!" they said to her, and were on their way. When they got home, they found Envy Green dead and realised that there was only one thing they could do to save him.

"Hello?" said Prince Edward-Charming, picking up the phone. He listened to what they had to say. "HELL NO!"

"Awww!" said the Sins, "Why not?"

"Look – there is NO WAY you're getting me to kiss some dead GUY!"

"He's really pretty," said Sloth.

"I SAID NO!"

"C'mon!" they whined.

"NO!"

"Not even for $50?" offered Roy.

"DEAL!"

"Really?" they asked.

"The story goes that he needs just needs a kiss from Prince Charming, right?"

"Right."

"Then I've got it sorted."

And so, Prince Edward-Charming sent Prince Envy Green a box of Hershey's Kisses and he finally woke up. Luckily, on her way back to the castle, the evil queen was confronted and subsequently eaten by salamanders, so Envy Green was also able to return to his life of luxury. He sent the Seven Sins (Wrath had been regurgitated by the bunny) $100 to thank them for all of their help – half of which they had to give to Prince Edward-Charming. With it, he bought Mario Kart, and with their share, the Sins bought lots of alcohol, so for the rest of the holidays they all went over to Edward-Charming's place, got drunk and played Mario Kart.

The End

* * *

"So…what was the moral of that?" asked Wrath.

"No moral," Pride told him, "I just wanted to make Envy look stupid, have him poisoned, and get Winry eaten by salamanders."

"I'll tell you the real moral!" said Envy, "NEVER LET PRIDE TELL A STORY! That was the longest 15 minutes of my life!"

Greed decided to join in, "Which is really saying something since you're so damn old…"

"DIE!" yelled Envy, tackling Greed.

"Envy's got a point though," admitted Edward, "it did seem more like 2 months, didn't it?"

"That's why next time I'm back in charge – and I think I have it all planned out…" said Envy, starting to grin evilly.


	4. The Little Mermaid

Author-y Note-y Things: Heheh - I just wanted to talk. This was really one of _Envy's Bedtime Stories_ in that I told it to everyone when we slept over at Greed's house. Hey, check it out - this was also brought to you almost 4 times faster than the last update. That means that either I was really inspired by all your lovely reviews (hint hint) or Envy's just a much faster writer than Pride...but on with the show!

**PS: **The long lines separate the bedtime story itself from the gang at Dante's listening to the story (for when they interrupt) and the X's separate scenes within the bedtime story.

**'The Little Mermaid'**

"Please tell me it's not me!" yelled Greed and Edward simultaneously.

"Don't worry," said Envy, "it's not you, Greed – it's Edward."

"HEY!" Edward yelled.

"Sorry – I heard Greed first."

"Well…a mermaid, eh? ONLY IF I GET TO HAVE A SHIRT!" Edward insisted.

"Fine."

* * *

The sea was alive with anticipation – the King of the Sea's children were performing in the well-renowned annual concert that evening. Everyone was in a joyous mood – well, everyone except the King himself, that is. 

"PRIDE-CRAB!"

"Yes, Your Majesty?" said Pride-Crab, making his way to the royal throne.

"Where is Edward?" boomed the almighty King Hohenheim.

"Why, he's with the others rehearsing – the show will be starting soon."

"That's my point – GET RID OF HIM! That youngest son of mine has the most annoying voice!"

"Yes, Your Majesty," said Pride-Crab, getting ready to set off.

"And Pride-Crab…"

"Yes?"

"Do you think I should wear the green seashells or the purple ones?" he asked, holding up the different pairs.

Pride-Crab shuddered.

XXXXXXX

"This is going to be so much fun, Wrath-Fish!" laughed Edward –

* * *

"I WANT A SHIRT, REMEMBER!" the real Edward yelled. 

"Yeah, yeah," said Envy, "I'm getting to that."

* * *

"This is going to be so much fun, Wrath-Fish!" laughed Edward, who was wearing a shirt. "I love singing – Father loves my singing too! He'll be so happy to hear me sing tonight!" 

Wrath-Fish looked sceptical. "Doesn't he always cry when you sing?"

"They're tears of joy!"

"…and doesn't he always scream 'STOP! DON'T!'?"

"No, silly – it's 'DON'T STOP!'"

Wrath-Fish sighed. "If you say so…"

Then Pride-Crab came along. "Hey Edward, guess what!"

"Ooh! Umm…my room caught on fire?"

"…no – there's,"

"NO LET ME GUESS! Ummmm…the kitchen caught on fire?"

"No."

"You caught on fire?"

"NO! There's a big ship overhead – let's go have a look."

"But what if we miss the concert?" asked Edward, "Father loves hearing me sing – he'd just DIE if I didn't show up!"

"…"

"… "

"…the ship caught on fire," Pride-Crab sighed.

"YAY!" yelled Edward, swimming ahead happily.

"This happens for every concert and he never gets suspicious, does he?" asked Wrath-Fish.

"Nope," answered Pride-Crab.

XXXXXXX

"Damn…" said Envy. His multibillion-dollar company's Christmas party was taking place on a cruise ship. "Just look at them all, Lust," he said to his secretary, pointing towards his employees who were mostly both drunk and seasick and were either throwing up or had already passed out. "I need some new workers…"

XXXXXXX

"DID YOU HEAR THAT?" He needs new workers!" screamed Edward to the others, who were all clinging to the side of the ship and listening. Pride-Crab's eye was twitching…lets just say he was sort of right below where one of Envy's employees who wasn't feeling all that well was leaning over the side and…you get the picture.

"Who said that?" asked a very confused Envy, looking over the side to see where the voice had come from.

Luckily, Pride-Crab and Wrath-Fish had already pulled Edward under the water and were covering his mouth and glaring at him.

"Well, anyway, they're all so USELESS and WEAK!" Envy whined while looking at his clipboard. Suddenly a tiny wave hit the ship and Envy dropped the clipboard into the sea. "EEK!" he squealed, "QUICK - someone get it!" he yelled, but no one was listening. Even Lust had passed out by this point. Envy sweatdropped, "This is what I'm talking about…"

"Here you go!" came a voice, and the clipboard was miraculously thrown back up at Envy.

"OW! MY HEAD! But…thanks, mysterious diver!" Envy called into the water, as Edward had once again been pulled down under the surface. "Lust – find out who that strange diver with the screechy voice was and give him a job."

Lust was still unconscious.

XXXXXXX

"What the hell was that?" yelled Pride-Crab.

"…My life-long dream has always been to work for a multibillion-dollar corporation on the land…" mumbled Edward.

"Edward, listen to me…" said Pride-Crab, "under the sea – under the sea…...oh screw this, I'm tired! Let's go home."

"OK."

Pride-Crab lead the way, and Edward and Wrath-Fish lagged behind. "Hey Wrath-Fish," said Edward, "I'm going to see the Tea Witch!"

"You mean the Sea Witch?"

"Whatever – I'm going to get legs so I can work in Envy's company." (I only just realised how wrong that sounds…)

"But Edward! Isn't the Sea Witch evil, old and insane?" said Wrath-Fish.

"So's Father."

"And doesn't it only floss once a fortnight?"

"So does Father."

"But I've heard it eats children!"

"Well…I'm not sure, but I wouldn't put that past Father…"

"And they say it actually enjoys folk dancing!"

"ENOUGH!" cried Edward, shuddering at the thought. "I've made up my mind – I'm going to go see it no matter what!"

XXXXXXX

"That's right…come to me, you fool!" laughed a figure in a shadowy lair………as he swung around his fishing net, waiting for a jelly fish to come close enough for him to catch it.

"Your Evilness, it looks like the youngest Prince is headed this way," called Roy from the next room.

The figure jumped down off the couch. "Then it seems like everything is falling into place…" he said, in a deep and mysterious voice upon completing his jigsaw puzzle.

"Also, Vile One, it looks like the muffins are burning…" said Roy, leaning in through the doorway with oven mits on.

"Oh darn," whined the figure, all of a sudden sounding awfully girly, who stepped into the light to reveal himself as Greed.

XXXXXXX

"Umm, hello?" yelled Edward, knocking on the front door.

"It's open – come right on in…" said Greed, creepily.

Edward wiped his tail fins on the 'Home Sweet Home' doormat and let himself in, coming to stand before Greed who had the tail of a seahorse.

"Wow," said Edward, struggling not to laugh, "I was expecting you to be half octopus…or shark…or something…"

"SHUT UP!" Greed roared. "This from someone with a _PINK_ TAIL!"

Edward pouted. "It's not pink…it's just…light red. Sooooo, you're the Sea Bitch?"

"THAT'S SEA WITCH!" he yelled. "Actually she's on vacation…"

XXXXXXX

"A little lower," Dante instructed her masseur while she sipped her martini on a tropical island.

XXXXXXX

"I am the infamous Theodore," said Greed, and once again Edward had to try not to laugh. "But you can call me Mr Greed."

"Well, Mr Greed-"

"That's _MR_ Mr Greed to you!"

Edward sighed. "Well _Mr_ Mr Greed, I'm here-"

"I know – you want to become human so you can work in Envy's company – so here's the deal! I'll make you a magic potion to give you legs, and then you'll be given three days to take the place of his secretary. If he gives you a permanent job before the sun sets on the third day, you can stay a human and do manual labour for the rest of your pathetic life."

"OH BOY!"

"But if he doesn't, you'll turn back into a mermaid-"

"Mer_MAN_!"

"Fine – mer_man_, and you belong to me!"

"OK – deal."

"But we haven't discussed the issue of payment yet – what I want from you is…your voice!"

"NOT MY BEAUTIFUL VOICE!"

"It's really pretty screechy, actually," said Greed, "you'll probably be better off without it – so go ahead and sign the scroll!"

Edward wasn't so sure anymore. His beautiful voice?

"It's up to you now…I'm a very busy dude and I haven't got all day – my in-laws are coming to visit later in the afternoon so MAKE YOUR CHOICE!"

Roy leaned in through the doorway again. "Ma and Pa are coming?" he asked, excitedly.

"No you idiot – I said my in-laws were coming," said Greed.

"Oh," said Roy, "I thought you said 'Roy's Ma and Pa are coming and we're all going to eat tofu at Dry-Land World'…"

"…"

"…can I talk it over with the others?" Edward asked, a tear escaping his eye…not that you'd notice – this is underwater after all.

"Yeah go ahead – I've got plenty of time."

Edward turned to the others. "Well? What do you guys think?"

"If you did that we'd never see you again!" said Wrath-Fish.

"You could come and visit me," Edward smiled, "I'm going to need your help anyway…but you'd never _hear_ me again…"

Pride-Crab and Wrath-Fish looked at each other.

"DO IT!"


	5. The UnLittle Merman

**The Un-Little Merman Part 2** (he made me change it)

"It's a deal."

…

The next thing he knew, Edward was at the surface. 'Huh? What? Hey – I have legs! I don't have a tail!'

"You also don't have pants," said Wrath-Fish.

* * *

"ENNNNVVVYYY!" yelled the real Edward.

"Well you just kept going on about that shirt, you never said anything about pants," said Envy. Edward glared at him. "Alright, alright."

* * *

"Or to put it another way…you…do," said Wrath-Fish.

'But they're pink,' Ed sighed, '…damn that Mr Mr Greed.'

"And lets not forget about that floral embroidery…"

'ENOUGH! Maybe that's the fashion here?'

Then Envy walked past. "Whoa – those are the most unfashionable pants I've ever seen!"

'GASP!' Ed yelled, 'It's Envy!'

"Are you…trying to say something?" asked Envy.

Ed didn't get it. "You sold your voice, remember?" said Wrath-Fish.

'But I've just been talking to you!'

"No – I can just tell what you mean by your overly exaggerated facial expressions," Wrath-Fish explained.

'?' Edward did an overly exaggerated confused look.

Wrath-Fish continued, "and I lip-read…sometimes –cough- certain people's –cough- voices are just too screechy to bear so I wear earmuffs anyway."

'Ohhh, I geddit – Pride-Crab's voice _is_ a bit too much to bear…by the way where is he?'

"He went to tell your father."

'But _he's_ the one who told me to do this – that's it! I'm never speaking to him again!'

Wrath-Fish sweat-dropped.

XXXXX

"Your Majesty!" said Pride-Crab, as he entered the royal quarters to tell King Hohenheim what had happened…well, maybe not what _really_ happened…just so long as he got the point across.

"Ah, Pride-Crab! Everything went smoothly at the concert, so what happened with Edward?"

"Well, uh, he attacked me! Yeah – that's it, and he ran off to the Sea Witch!"

"DANTE?"

"Well, I don't know if it was her or whether she was actually on vacation…or something…because I wasn't there of course! But as he swam off he mentioned becoming human."

"HUMAN?" roared King Hohenheim, flinging his crossword magazine across the room, "Don't tell me he had a secret treasure trove of human things and he's fallen in love with one so he wants to become human to be with them!"

"Ummm…ahhh…sure – that's it."

"I think I'm going to faint…no wait, that's not dizziness – that's unspeakable RAGE! I'm going to Dante's! Fetch me my 'Angry Confrontation' shirt!"

"This one?" asked Pride-Crab, holding up a red one.

"No – that's my 'Picking Up Dry-Cleaning' shirt."

"You mean it's this one?" asked Pride-Crab holding up a Hawaiian one.

"EXACTLY!"

XXXXX

Back at the beach, Envy asked Edward if he just happened to be a mysterious diver, thinking that maybe he was the one who threw him back his clipboard, but upon realizing that Ed couldn't talk and the diver had a really screechy voice, Envy concluded that it couldn't have been him.

"Well, do you want a temp job anyway? My secretary recently got hit through the head by an arrow with "Theo" and a smiley face inscribed on it," said Envy.

So Edward started work the next day, which meant there were only two days left in which to get hired. It didn't help that he also slept in and only got to work at midday. Luckily, Envy didn't so much notice the lateness, as there was something even more amiss.

"Oopsy – I guess I forgot to tell you," said Envy, and he explained that there was a strict dress code. "At first I made everyone wear this really plain uniform so no one would outshine me, but then I decided to be generous and let everyone share in this marvellous outfit – since I pull it off better than anyone else anyway," he said.

So they spent another hour getting Edward the Envy tank top, skort, and arm and leg things (so he was practically Pride!ed).

"Hey look – it's lunchtime! Let's get seafood!" said Envy.

'What sort of moron would want to eat the sea?' Ed thought to himself.

-Flashback-

Ed: I wonder what the sea tastes like… -takes a gulp of water-

-end flashback-

'Oh yeah,' he thought.

When they got to the restaurant, he realized that Envy had actually meant the creatures that lived in the sea. 'GASP! What sort of people would actually want to eat sea-folk?'

-Flashback-

Ed: I wonder what sea-folk taste like… - bites own tail- …tastes…painful.

-end flashback-

'Stupid flashbacks…' Ed thought. When the waiter brought Envy a plate of oysters Edward was outraged and smashed it on the ground.

"What are you doing?" yelled Envy, "oh yeah, you can't talk…well the way I see it there's only ONE plausible explanation for this!"

'OH NO! He knows the truth!' thought Edward, 'Surely from this minimal and open-to-interpretational evidence Envy's realized that I'm a merman!'

"Obviously," Envy continued, "you can tell that these oysters were poisoned by a rival multi-billion dollar corporation – good work, I might just have to hire you permanently! Yes – that MUST be it…I mean it's not like from such minimal and open-to-interpretational evidence that I could've concluded that you're a merman or something, that would be crazy."

XXXXX

"Oh no you don't – I'm not through with you yet!" yelled Greed, who was watching, having hidden himself in one of the tanks of fresh fish in the restaurant. He reached out and threw a dart at Edward's head.

It hit him and he passed out.

"Wow, what an affordable price for such a big fish!" said a random customer. "Waiter – I'll take this one," he said, pointing at Greed.

"No – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

XXXXX

"Hey secretary? Are you okay? Did you eat something that didn't agree with you?" asked Envy. And yes, yes Ed did have a large dart obviously sticking out of the side of his head.

When Ed finally awoke he was in the hospital. There wasn't anyone around, but Envy had left a note. 'Get back to work – I can't choose whether to have rainbow or mint-choc-chip ice-cream…decisions, decisions…'

Ed jumped out the window, trying to make his way back to the company.

Back in his lair (following a narrow escape from certain death) Greed was furious. "This has gone too far…Roy! Take care of the situation…"

"Oh I'll show that little punk," said Roy, "and I won't even have to leave this room!" he rolled up his sleeve and clicked……..but nothing happened. Roy figured out his mistake. "I hate living under water…" he sighed.

It wasn't long before Ed discovered that an ambulance was following him.

"Quick!" yelled Roy to one of the nurses, "That boy is seriously ill – we have to kill him before he dies!"

"WHAT?" asked the nurse.

When the machine gun bullets started being fired at his head, Ed jumped into the bushes to take a short cut.

"He's getting away, sir," said the nurse.

"Well hurry up and shoot him so we can get him to safety!"

'What was that all about?' Ed thought to himself upon reaching the company at last.

"Ah, so you're back," said Envy. "What a quick recovery from mysterious food-poisoning…just what I look for in an employee!"

XXXXX

"ROY!" yelled Greed into his Power Rangers walkie-talkie. "You're going to need to take a different approach – over."

"Roger that," said Roy…he hated being an apprentice substitute sea witch. He would have resigned years ago if it wasn't for his beloved complementary name-tag which said 'Hi! I'm Roy.'

XXXXX

So you'll be answering phones for the rest of the day," said Envy. Ed stared back blankly. "Oh right…the whole not talking thing…"

"Perhaps I can be of assistance," yelled Roy, jumping in through the window.

"Who are you?" asked Envy.

Roy cleared his throat and pointed to his name-tag.

"Oh, Roy…well you're pretty arrogant, aren't you? Just what I look for in an employee!"

'Oh no!' thought Ed.

"OH YES!" cried Greed, "I've finally beaten the computer at solitaire! And hey!" he saw what was going on through his crystal ball. "Roy's finally doing something right! Oh that mermaid kid's no match for me and my evil henchmen…really. I checked on anyway – back to solitaire!"

The next day the competition was on. If Edward couldn't get himself a permanent job before the sun set then he would belong to Greed. He had no idea what that actually meant but it was scary in any sense. And if _Roy_ couldn't stop Ed from getting the job he'd lose his precious name-tag. Greed's threat actually went 'Everything you own – everything you love, WILL BE MINE!' So yeah, that meant the name-tag.

Meanwhile, at an ice-cream store under the sea…

"Tell me," said Hohenheim, "what is this 'strawberry' flavour you speak of?"

"Um, Your Majesty? Weren't we supposed to be going to Dante's?" asked Pride-Crab.

"Oh right…well there's no time for that now – let's go straight to the surface!"

XXXXX

Edward and Roy were both furiously alphabetising Envy's files when Wrath-Fish jumped through the window. "Edward! Your father's on his way!"

'What's the deal with all this jumping through windows…doesn't anyone know how to use a door? But yeah…OH NO!' Ed thought.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Roy, "Now you'll never win! That's right – I work for Mr Mr Greed and I'm only here to sabotage you!"

"Well duh," said Wrath-Fish, and Edward nodded in agreement.

Wrath-Fish jumped back out the window to try and stall things, but then Envy came in. "Hey you guys – let's go fishing!"

"That's a great idea sir!" said Roy, "Why couldn't _you_ have come up with an idea like that?" he said to Ed.

"Now, now," said Envy, "I already know how great I am," he showed them his Great-O-Meter, which went to 100 percent when he pointed it at himself.

-on the boat-

Edward tried looking over the side of the boat to see if his father was nearby. He couldn't see anything, and ended up just falling in.

"You'll never catch fish like that!" yelled Envy, pulling him back onto the boat.

"AH HA!" yelled King Hohenheim, suddenly appearing above the surface and pointing at Edward and Envy. "I knew it! How could you, Edward?"

"I'm.going.to.let.go.now," said Envy, letting go of Ed and backing up to the far end of the boat.

"TIME'S UP – I WIN!" screamed Greed, also appearing next to Hohenheim and pointing at Ed.

"But the sun hasn't set yet!" cried Wrath-Fish, who was there too.

"Well Envy can't hire anyone if he's dead!" said Greed, pulling out a revolver and shooting Envy.

Luckily, the bullet hit something in his pocket. "No – my Great-O-Meter!" Envy cried, as it crashed to the ground in front of Edward. The Great-O-Meter went to 99 percent. The sun was just about to set. "Hmm, really great, but not as great as me…" said Envy.

Greed and Roy looked at each other and started screaming in slow motion, "NOOOOOOOOO!"

"You're hired!" said Envy, and with those words, Roy exploded and Greed tried to flee but Hohenheim blasted him with his blasting powers.

And so, Edward got his, uh, 'beautiful' voice back and explained the whole story to his father and Envy. Hohenheim didn't really believe him, and still thought that he and Envy had 'something going on.' "Well, so long as you're happy, son," he said.

"Hey – time is money, let's get back to work," said Envy, who still hadn't noticed that the Great-O-Meter was just broken and permanently remained on 99 percent after it had hit the ground.

"Just one more thing," said Edward, "in all this time I still haven't figured it out…just what exactly does your company _do_ anyway?"

"Why, gut fish of course!"

* * *

Sorry for the slow update – this is what I get for taking Legal and 3 unit English. That also probably explains the billions of scene changes too. Well, I could've done it last weekend but I was eating takoyaki at the natsu matsuri. So bear with me and I promise I'll try to deal with the requests in my next chappie! Love, Sailor enVii. 


End file.
